Picking up Savannah: The start of a challenging evening
I went to pick up Savannah from school last Tuesday, prepared for her swim practice by bringing her swimsuit—anticipating she might forget. When she got in the car, I reminded her about practice, and her disappointment was immediately apparent. She had hoped to go home and eat, not head straight to swim. Her sister offered her some chips, but it was clear that Savannah was already feeling off.
After practice, I found Savannah in tears. When I asked what was wrong, she snapped at me about forgetting her goggles—a responsibility I felt was hers, not mine. I became defensive, and the tension between us escalated. On the drive home, Savannah’s emotions spilled over. She told me she felt “trapped and unloved,” words that caught me completely off guard. I tried to clarify, and when she confirmed her feelings, I called her mom to see if she wanted to go there instead. Her mom reminded me that Savannah is a teenager, full of hormones and shifting moods, and encouraged me to be patient.
Processing my emotions and defensiveness
Reflecting on the situation, I realize how quickly I became defensive. Savannah’s accusation about the goggles felt like an attack, and I responded by trying to assert control and defend myself. I expected gratitude for remembering her swimsuit, not criticism for something I saw as her responsibility. My own upbringing flashed through my mind—growing up, I could never have spoken to my parents that way without serious consequences. Part of my reaction stemmed from feeling unappreciated and disrespected, and I struggled to manage those emotions in the moment.
Insights from others and lessons learned
A conversation with Ari from my men’s group was eye-opening. He pointed out that I was being too rigid and should have just let Savannah have her moment, gotten her some food, and addressed the issue later. He likened it to triage in an emergency room—sometimes, the immediate need is to stabilize emotions, not solve the underlying problem right away. This resonated with me. After Savannah ate, she was much calmer, confirming that hunger played a big role in her outburst.
Ari also suggested that serious conversations shouldn’t happen in the car, where kids can feel trapped and unable to escape. Scheduling a time to talk shows respect and gives everyone space to process their feelings. This is something I want to implement going forward.
Strategies for growth and better communication
I’m realizing that effective communication with my kids hinges on calmness, patience, kindness, and firmness—always grounded in love. When I feel attacked, my instinct is to defend myself, but I need to learn to pause, breathe, and let the moment pass before addressing the behavior. I handled a recent situation with Bean much better—when she broke the toilet seat, I stayed calm, asked what happened, and she took responsibility without drama. The difference was that I didn’t feel personally attacked, which made it easier to respond with patience.
Going forward, I want to develop strategies that help me manage my triggers. One idea is to do a “pre-check” before picking up the kids—reminding myself to have no expectations and to be present. If I do feel defensive, I need to recognize it and choose to respond calmly, saving any necessary conversations for later when emotions have settled.
Creating a safe space and moving forward
Savannah’s outburst was, in part, a plea for a safe space to express her feelings without fear of judgment. I want to create that space for her. That means listening more, reacting less, and showing her that her emotions are valid—even when they’re hard for me to hear. I plan to have a follow-up conversation with her, starting by acknowledging where I could have done better and inviting her to share strategies for avoiding similar situations in the future. I’ll also encourage her to bring snacks to avoid getting overly hungry, and gently explain that her comment about the goggles was hurtful and inappropriate.
I’m hopeful that this incident can bring us closer. I want Savannah to know that I’m committed to growing as a parent and to building a relationship where we both feel heard and respected. Parenting is complicated, and children move through phases quickly, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn and adapt alongside them.
Final reflections
This experience has reminded me that my role as a parent is not just to guide and correct, but to model emotional regulation and create a foundation of trust. I can’t control every situation, but I can control how I show up. By staying calm, listening deeply, and addressing issues after emotions have cooled, I can foster a healthier, more open relationship with my daughters. I’m optimistic about the future and committed to continuing this journey of growth—both for myself and for my family.
